Before you dash out to buy a convertible, quit your job or start dating a person half your age, stop! Take a deep breath and some time to reflect before making any life-altering moves. Aija Lubavs, a Limited License Psychologist in Kalamazoo often counsels men and women who are in the midst of “mental pause.” “No one ever comes into my office and says, 'I'm having a mid-life crisis,” she says. “Instead they might complain of being less satisfied at work, in their marriage or with themselves. That can produce depression and anxiety.”
Lubavs notes that many mid-life events can trigger emotional upheaval. “The death of a parent or a contemporary may make you think about the bigger picture,” she says. “The mental pause is when you begin to re-evaluate your life. You might examine your past and your goals. Some people try to escape from reality. They create a fantasy of what life could be without all the responsibilities. You can just take off in your red sports car. You find a younger woman that's attracted to you, or a younger man because women have those affairs, too. These people are trying to prove to themselves that they're still young and attractive, but the acting out is unhealthy.”
Women begin going through peri-menopause during the middle years, complete with all the hormonal fluctuations, weight gain and emotional difficulties that so often accompany that passage. Studies have also shown that men go through a type of male menopause, with physiological changes that can also impact their sense of well being. From loss of physical strength to hair loss and sometimes impotence, each individual reacts differently.
Aija Lubavs advises healthy techniques for dealing with the life issues we face, no matter what our age. “You can do something about your physical appearance and your lifestyle,” she stresses. “We often get too focused on our families or careers and don't take care of ourselves. A nutritious diet and exercise are important. However, even for me, I can preach it but I don't always do it,” she quips. “Check with your doctor and get a full physical check-up. Mentally, if you're feeling down, not sleeping well, or feeling confused and hopeless, then it's time to talk to a professional and see how you can get back on track.”
If your train of thought gets derailed in the midst of your mental pause, you can learn new coping skills with the help of a counselor such as Lubavs. “You can choose to do your fantasy in a healthy way. Talk to your spouse and express your feelings, then work on it together,” she suggests. “If you want to change careers but are trapped by the need to retain your retirement or health benefits, perhaps you can find enjoyment in some activity outside of work.”
The key, Lubavs stresses, is balance. “That's really one of my favorite words,” she says. “Everyone needs alone time. You can learn to balance yourself, your work and your home life, instead of making a choice between your external responsibilities and your personal needs.” Reflect. Reassess. Make healthy choices. Take time for that mental pause.
