The causes behind the break-ups are just as diverse as the reasons the couples came together in the first place. Can a couple that divorce do so amicably? Can they remain friends or at least effectively communicate while jointly raising their children?
Mediation may be the answer to avoiding an unproductive relationship for ex-spouses. Thomas Flemming is a licensed counselor who partners with attorney Barbara Ciuffa in a joint venture called Divorce & Family Mediation. “As private divorce mediators, we take people through all the steps necessary to obtain a divorce,” Flemming explains. “We provide them the option of being problem solvers rather than adversaries within the court system. We get them to sit down and negotiate their own agreement so they can bypass all those formal court hearings and depositions. It's our belief that they know what's fair, better than anyone else.”
Couples counseling, individual therapy, mediation and other forms of dispute resolution can help long before a couple ends up in divorce court, says Dr. Ann Crabb, director of the counseling center at Family & Children's Services in Kalamazoo. “I would love to see parents come in to see us before they reach that point,” she says. Learning better problem-solving skills can ultimately benefit all interpersonal relationships. “The majority of people don't want to be involved in an adversarial process. Once you reach that point where you are no longer trying to work out your issues, it's usually quite combative,” Dr. Crabb states.
In his role as counselor, Thomas Flemming often helps conduct Coping with Divorce seminars and the training of facilitators who conduct the support group sessions. “Once a couple sits down together, there are no shocks and surprises,” he notes. “They both see the paperwork being generated, hear the same questions being asked and answered, along with the same explanations. In an adversary system, one person must win and the other must lose. That can get very costly both financially and emotionally.”
“Family & Children Services does have a contract with the Friend of the Court and we get referrals for mediation when parties keep showing up in court for all their parenting decisions,” Dr. Ann Crabb notes. “Perhaps one is not paying child support or allowing visitation. We try to help eliminate those ongoing battles and reach a middle ground. It involves finding out what both parties want and then helping them learn the tools of negotiation. They learn to give and take, to put in place a process to solve their future problems without intervention by the court.”
“Doing this with dignity and respect, cooperatively, doesn't trash the parenting relationship,” Flemming stresses. “When you become adversaries, you can do an awful lot of damage to the family system. It's hard enough to divorce, but the divorce is between the husband and wife. They still have to be together for the parenting of the kids. How can you be adversaries in court and then say, 'O.K. let's cooperate now' when it's all over? It's much easier if you start out that way.”
Thomas Flemming notes that most of the Divorce & Family Mediation clients end up with joint legal custody, sharing parenting and the major decisions affecting their children's health, education and welfare. “We really stress parents' mutual interest in their children,” Dr. Crabb adds. “Getting them to focus on the fact that the constant fighting and bickering has an adverse affect on the children is a strong point to begin mediation.”
To access the wide range of mediation and counseling services at Family & Children Services, call 269-344-0202 or visit their web site at www.fcsource.org. You may reach Divorce & Family Mediation at www.divorceandfamilymediation.com or by calling 269-324-0003.
